


Useless Air

by somethinginaspacesuit



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Ashildr is not alive in this fic just fyi, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Meddling TARDIS, Meddling tardis is best tardis, Thasmin WILL be happening but that isn't the focus, The Doctor has two hands..., The Focus is on Clara and Thirteen, mentions of Clara Oswald/Ashildr, nothing bad happened to ashildr tho dont worry, sort of a fix it kind of i guess?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-12
Updated: 2019-01-02
Packaged: 2019-09-16 17:45:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16958631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somethinginaspacesuit/pseuds/somethinginaspacesuit
Summary: Clara has grown since being on the Tardis, and so has the Doctor. When they're forced back together again, Clara has to cope with facing the Doctor's past as well as her own. This proves to be difficult for the both of them.Basically, the Doctor treated Clara not so well towards the end of her run, and this fic is going to explore the toll that took on her and how the Doctor will react being confronted with her actions.





	1. The Red Box

**Author's Note:**

> OK! So I LOVE peter capaldi and his seasons with clara are great, but throughout those seasons there's a through line of him treating Clara not really well??? It sorta feels like he sees her as another him and he feels guilty abt it so he treats her badly. And then Missy treats her like garbage and so anyway I'm just using this fic to explore what that kind of thing does to a person coupled with a lot of time and other expirences. Whatever I'm just craving that Clara Angst and I MISS HER still and I want to see her and thirteen interact SO BAD so im WRITING IT OKAY?

The first time it happened, she was in the deep south.

Right after Rosa Parks. The Doctor was exhausted, and so was the rest of the Tardis crew. On their long walk from the bus stop, filled with silence, the Doctor spotted it.

A red phone box. A red phone box just like the ones in modern London. With a perception filter.

She knew it was a Tardis. She could feel it in her head.

She also knew it was Clara. As soon as she passed it, she just knew.

She blinked, once, twice. There it was. Not going away. Real as anything.

She watched it for a moment.

And then she turned tail.

And walked away.

 

It had happened after her meeting Tsuangra. They had been dropped off, waiting for transport back to the Tardis, the _Doctor’s_ Tardis when she had spotted it out of the corner of her eye.

This time she approached it. Got away from Ryan, Yaz and Graham when they weren’t watching and just, _looked._

And then she turned tail.

And she walked away.

 

Finally, after her time at Kerblam, she knew it was no coincidence. She spotted that phone box yet again, parked right outside the factory walls.

This time she didn’t even look at it more than she had to, she just walked away from it as fast as she could. She didn’t care that her friends were watching. The Doctor slammed her hands on the console, sighed a heavy sigh, and began berating the Tardis in her head.

_Is this your idea of a joke?!? Because it isn’t funny and it hurts!_

She pounded her palm on one of the buttons, beginning the takeoff sequence.

A hand came to rest on her back, making her jump.

“Doc, it wasn’t your fault. You couldn’t’ve done anything more.” Graham’s voice flittered through the air. Oh, right, she was supposed to be feeling the weight of a death on her conscience, and all she could think about was-

 _Clara_.

“I know.” The Doctor somehow managed a smile. “I’ll be alright in a minute. How about you wash up, I’ll fly you all home, and we can go for tea?” The Doctor lifted her head and tried to look earnest.

The smiles she got were of concern yet reassurance.

“That sounds nice actually.” Ryan was quick to react positively.

“I know this lovely place by a park, they make great biscuits.” Yaz chimed in.

“Brilliant! Biscuits in the park!” The Doctor was happy for a distraction as she pulled down on a lever, smile wiping from her face as her friends wandered into the Tardis to change.

 

When she opened her door, it was a sunny day in Sheffield. She had landed softly, right in the location. Quite proud of herself, she stepped out into the beautiful day.

Her eyes landed on the first thing she saw in front of her. A bright red phone box.

And then the phone box opened up.

And there was Clara.

She looked shocked. Jaw open, eyes wide in just the way only they could be.

She wasn’t wearing a waitressing dress. Just a blue velvet sweater and some slacks. Her hair was tied up high.

She hadn’t aged a day. She looked exactly the same as when the Doctor had left her.

The Doctor opened her mouth to say something, but was met with the slam of a phone booth door in her face. She was frozen as she saw the phone booth begin to dematerialize, just to come right back, like it was being held there.

The second time it began to dematerialize it had almost completely gone, before it came right back again.

The Doctor didn’t move. The phone booth sat unopened like a challenge.

 “Are you ready to go then Doc?” Graham said casually just from behind her. The Doctor jumped, whirling around to see Ryan and Yaz standing along with him, ready to face the day.

The Doctor gaped like a fish for a bit, turning from the phone booth, to her friends, to back to the phone booth. A beat passed.

“I was born ready, that’s me!” The Doctor yelped, voice quivering. “Let’s get a shift-“

A squeak sounded from the door behind her, and the Doctor whirled around to stare right into the face of her former companion.

“What is this about?”

That voice.

Gods, that voice.

She was cross, of course she was. That brilliant, devastating cross only Clara could manage.

“Clara I-“

“Let me go.”

“What?”

There was a tense silence.

“You’ve changed your face. Never seen this one before.” She still didn’t look happy.

“Out of necessity. Swear I didn’t do it just for fun.” The Doctor smiled. She desperately wanted Clara to do the same. To accept her in that way, somehow.

Clara wasn’t smiling.

“Doctor, who is she?” Yaz murmured near the Doctor’s ear. This got Clara to smile. Something wistful and yet so pained.

She held out her hand, and Yaz took it.

“I’m Clara. We used to travel, the Doctor and I. I think we got pulled together again, somehow.” Clara threw the Doctor a pointed look. “It’s lovely to meet you.”

The Doctor watched as Clara tried for something close to a real smile, which seemed to just manage to fool her friends.

Graham and Ryan introduced themselves as the Doctor just watched, slightly gob smacked.

Once that was over, there was another silence. The air could be cut with a knife before Ryan finally spoke up.

“So, tea?”

 

Once they had gotten to the café, Graham had taken Yaz and Ryan off to sit outside. Clara genuinely and honestly offered to have them all sit together, but it seemed Graham knew his friend and this new mystery woman needed to talk alone.

Clara was stirring milk into her coffee when she finally asked.

“So… Phone box?”

Clara cracked a small smile.

“Was getting hard lugging around a diner everywhere. Figured it would be fitting.”

There was another small moment of pause.

“How is this possible? I knew you recognized me the moment I saw your face, but how can you know me?” Clara looked straight into the Doctor’s eyes.

“Long story, really.” The Doctor looked down at her own cup of tea.

“Doctor.”

The Doctor looked up from her tea.

“I have nothing but time.”

She swallowed.

“There was this thing, stealing people from death, just before they died.” The Doctor paused, looking up at Clara, who had an unreadable expression on her face. “It took their memories. Their final testimony. Pressed onto a glass avatar. I was dying. It was being kind.”

The Doctor took another look at Clara. She realized that in fact there _was_ something that had changed. Clara always had the most beautiful eyes, but the Doctor could tell. They were older now. This Clara was simply not as young.

“It gave you back to me. And then I fell out of the sky, and landed in a train in Sheffield with a new face.”

Clara just nodded. The Doctor continued speaking.

“How long-“

Clara responded before she could even finish.

“A hundred and fifty years. Give or take.”

The Doctor didn’t know what she had expected, but she was still shocked. She schooled her expression to a blank slate.

“And Lady Me?”

There was a pause. Clara bit her lip and finally broke eye contact with the Doctor.

“She was old. Impossibly old.” Clara’s lips quirked up and tears formed at the corners of her eyes. She blinked them away and straightened up.

“She let herself die. I was there beside her when she did.” Clara went right back to looking the Doctor in the eyes, this time with a hint of fire raging behind them.

“That’s good, you were there for her.” The Doctor looked down at her cup.

She heard a sigh come from across the table.

“Enough of this. It’s getting us nowhere. How do I leave? How can I get away from you?” Clara snapped.

This got the Doctors attention. A million questions went through her head. Clara looked almost annoyed now.

“I’m not sure. I’ve not done this on purpose.” The Doctor was on the defensive.

“Well it’s not me, Doctor. My Tardis wants to leave just as badly as I do, I checked.”

“It could be mine. You know how she gets.” The Doctor couldn’t muster a smile, and neither could Clara.

“Let me take a look.” Clara stood up with a clatter, pushing away her full cup of coffee.

“Wait!” The Doctor exclaimed, standing up. Clara gave her a look.

“Are you sure?” The Doctor whispered softly.

“I’m sure.” Clara deadpanned, eyes dead and unreadable.

 

Clara marched towards the Doctor’s Tardis with incredible resolve. The Doctor trailed behind, and was soon flanked by her friends.

“Doctor, are you alright? What’s going on?” Graham puffed as he ran up beside her.

The Doctor didn’t know where to begin answering that question.

“She’s going to take a poke around the Tardis. I think somehow we got stuck together…”

_Gods._

If that wasn’t her and Clara wrapped into one sentence.

“Is she like you? A proper alien?” Ryan’s voice quivered with excitement. He smiled as he easily kept pace with the Doctor.

“No. She’s human. It’s just- It’s complicated.” The Doctor tried to keep her voice from breaking.

This time Yaz chimed in.

“Complicated how?”

“Can we talk about this later, _please?_ ” The Doctor looked at her companions with desperation in her eyes. They were all visibly taken aback and said nothing, much to her relief.

When the Doctor entered her Tardis, Clara was already there. Both of her hands were splayed out on the console.

“You’ve redecorated.”

Her voice was quiet, but it boomed over the sound of the natural hum of the engines. Her hands idly stroked bits of the time ship.

“The Tardis did all the work.” The Doctor half laughed.

“Yeah, knowing your design sense I’d assumed you had some help.” Clara’s face spread into a nostalgic smile. She dragged her fingertips across the various buttons and levers, walking slow circles around the rotor until she found the main display.

She raised her hand to pet the screen. She mumbled something to the ship under her breath and the display burst into life.

The Doctor heard her companions trickle in behind her. She watched in awe as Clara interacted with the ship, frowning and pulling faces, messing with settings with ease. It was like watching a dancer at work.

She didn’t dare approach. She almost didn’t dare to breathe.

“This doesn’t make sense.” Clara finally said, addressing the rest of the room. This seemed to break the Doctors reverie, and she strode towards Clara to stand beside her.

“What’s it mean?” Yaz craned her neck to see behind the Doctor.

The Doctor took a moment, analyzing the symbols that were scattered across the display.

“I don’t know. Something about temporal magnetism and… petty theft?”

“Definitely the cause of whatever’s happening here, that’s for sure.” Clara stated matter-of-factly.

“Seems whatever it is, it’ll be wearing off soon.” The Doctor pointed to a small circle towards the bottom of the screen. “Should take about a month by human time.” The Doctor turned to Clara and grinned.

Clara didn’t look quite as happy.

“So I’m stuck- _We’re_ stuck. For a month.”

“It looks like it. If I move, so do you. The more I move, the longer the wait gets.” The Doctor’s grin fell off her face at Clara’s reaction.

There was a silence.

“Well that’s not so bad eh Doc! Good ol’ reunion in Sheffield. There’s loads for us to do, right Ryan?” Graham tried to reassure them both, nudging Ryan to do the same.

“Yeah, loads, totally.”

Clara closed her eyes, gathering herself before stepping away from the console and out of the doors of the Doctor’s Tardis. All the Doctor could do was stare at where she had once stood as she fled.

“Oh no, no, no, no!” The Doctor moved to follow as soon as she heard Clara yelling outside.

Her fingers were wrapped around her ships door handles. She slammed her hands on the glass.

“You can’t _do_ this!” Clara pressed her head to the door.

“Clara, what-“ The Doctor was quickly cut off.

“She locked me out. You’re bloody ship locked me out of mine!” Clara turned on the Doctor with rage in her eyes.

“I don’t- I didn’t know- I’m sorry.” Clara rolled her eyes in what looked like the beginnings of fresh tears.

Clara closed her eyes. She took one deep breath. Then two more.

“You can stay with me.”

Clara’s eyes slowly trailed up to meet the Doctors. She could feel Graham, Ryan and Yaz’s incredulous looks on the back of her neck.

“I mean, until I can get this all fixed, it’s only fair.”

“Only fair…” Clara echoed.

Another tense silence.

“Okay.”

“Okay? Oka- Alright! Brilliant! Welcome back Clara Oswald.” The Doctor’s voice shook as she stepped aside to let Clara step into the Tardis once again.

Slowly, with hesitant steps, Clara did just that.

 

 

That had been about five days ago. Clara had since seemed to have taken up a strict Doctor avoidance policy. She spent most of her time in the Tardis library, reading her comfort books. Standard stuff. Harry Potter, Pride and Prejudice, a Clockwork Orange. Other times she would just wander the halls, marveling at how real they were, taking in every little change.

She talked to the Tardis sometimes.

She still hadn’t gone into her bedroom.

The Doctor had made it very clear that it was still there. Clara knew it was. It would be exactly the same as she left it. Torn to shreds by her frantic hands, trying to rip out anything she might need in the future. Of course, she had help from Ashildr.

She couldn’t face that. She couldn’t face a slice of fear and trauma, perfectly preserved. No dust.

So she avoided the Doctor, and she avoided the past.

She didn’t avoid the companions.

Graham was the first one to truly approach her. He didn’t seem to ask any of the questions she knew he wanted to. For that, she was grateful. Instead he asked her about where she’d been. Not her past, not really. Easy stuff.

She talked to him for hours. He was easy to talk to. She told him about pink skies and dogs without noses and telepathic birds.

He told her about Rosa Parks, junk planets and interestingly enough, Earth in 2018. Clara found herself enraptured in what would have been her very near future. Small things she hadn’t really paid attention to on Earth became quickly dropped when she had the whole universe at her fingertips, but when Graham talked about his most recent season of the Great British Bakeoff, she simply couldn’t stop listening.

This quickly became a regular occurrence. She and Graham would talk together for hours, and that often morphed into watching movies and shows from a modern earth.

Ryan joined them soon after he found out that the Tardis had a repository of all of the Avengers movies, even the 2090 reboots.

When Graham and Ryan talked about the Doctor, they described a bubbly, odd alien. They described someone kind, caring, sometimes a little bumbling.

It was like they were describing her first Doctor in vivid detail. And it hurt, but she tried her best to keep from being rude. She didn’t want to be the jealous companion. The pained friend of old being hit with the realization that she had been forgotten and taking it out on the fresh meat. So she listened to their stories of the Doctors friendly disposition, her vibrant and chipper compliments and praises with a smile. She listened and she pondered the two Doctors. Her angry, stormy, terrifyingly wonderful man, or their kind, warm, strong woman.

And she started to wonder if maybe it was her influence that made him so angry.

It all felt so domestic. More domestic than Clara had felt in a long time. She had many companions across her lengthy life. For those small moments, she could forget everything that had happened. She could pretend that she was young, that Ashildr was still alive, and just be _human._

Of course, that feeling couldn’t last for long.

It was just after one of these movie nights that she was making her way back to the library. Graham and Ryan had finally retired after dosing off in the middle of the last Captain America movie on each other, much to their individual embarrassments.

She got to what she thought was the library door, and flung it open.

And there it was.

Her snapshot of terror, right in front of her.

Her body moved on its own accord, feet robotically taking her into the belly of her own beast. The door closed behind her, like jaws clamping down on swallowed prey

Drawers were flung open, trinkets scattered across the floor. Her bed was just as unmade as the day before she died.

A choked sob got caught in her throat.

Her hands shook as she felt the memory in vivid detail.

_Not breathing, breathing to fast to be truly breathing, not that she even needed to anyway. Her heart would have been pounding had she a pulse._

_Ripping through her jewelry box, did she need that ring she got on Centuri? Yes, she did._

_“Do you want these books Clara?”_

_Couldn’t breathe. Heart stuck between beats._

_“Hey,” A soft hand slotted its way into hers. “Focus.”_

Clara fell to her knees, wrapping her arms around herself.

_Focus._

How could she? What could she focus on?

The door opened behind her. She didn’t even turn to look.

“Not now, Doctor. Not any other time, but especially not now.”

She could already hear it in her head, that strong Scottish voice.

_Clara, why’re you leaking again? It won’t solve anything, you really should get that fixed, you know._

“Oh, I’m sorry were you- Clara, right? It’s me, I didn’t know- I just- She just sort of led me here.” A hesitant voice came from the door.

Clara took a deep breath that she didn’t need.

At least it wasn’t the Doctor.

She hadn’t talked to Yasmin yet, but she knew when she saw her what kind of relationship her and the Doctor must have.

That mutual, piney kind.

If she was honest, Yasmin was the companion she was most hesitant of. She knew just how volatile those emotions could be. She remembered how it felt to be poked and prodded about them every time someone the Doctor knew met her. How it felt to be judged for them at every turn.

“I’ll just-“

“It’s okay. You can come in, if you like.” Clara breathed, sitting on the floor amongst the mess.

A few moments went by, and the door finally closed. Yasmin’s fingers brushed the walls of the room.

“Clara,” Yasmin made her way across the mess, sitting across from the other woman. “What happened?”

Clara wanted to scream. She wanted to tell Yasmin that it was none of her business what happened, that it was horrible and tragic. She wanted to break down and cry. She wanted to run away, or say nothing at all.

She thought about Ashildr.

She took another deep breath.

“I had to leave short notice.” She mumbled.

“Why?” Clara knew Yasmin was aware she was probing. She wanted more information on the mysterious woman that seemed to have been such an integral part of the Doctors life.

And she was suspicious.

So much for not being intimidating.

“I met the Doctor lifetimes ago.” Clara began, trying her best to keep it simple and not to patronize.

“He was young, so full of life. He was kind, strong as anything. Dangerous, too. We traveled. I saved his life towards the end. Split myself up in his time stream. Saw every nook and cranny of his past and tiny bits of his future. I lived lifetimes just to save him.”

Yasmin looked taken aback. Clara decided to continue.

“Then he regenerated. Changed himself to stay alive. He was still just as strong. Angry. We still traveled, but everything was different. It was like the part of him I knew had died. And everyone just wanted me to accept that he was the same man. And I did.”

Yaz spoke up in the silence that followed, voice shaking with hesitance.

“Why did you stop?”

Clara cracked a rueful smile.

“I died. Shame really, I was only thirty.”

“But you’re-“ Yasmin began to protest.

Clara explained before Yasmin could ask.

“He pulled me out of my own death. Took him a billion years to get to me, but he did. Defied his own race to do it. I ended up doing exactly what he did, all those years ago. I stole a Tardis, and I ran away.”

They sat there for a moment.

“Yasmin.” The woman across from her looked up.

“The Doctor has had lots of friends. So many companions. I wasn’t his- _her_ first. Not by any means.”

Yasmin’s eyes were searching for something in Clara’s face. Looking for a lie, maybe? For a tell that she was just some rude, cruel woman? Clara didn’t know.

“But you have to understand, every single one was special. Is special. Every single one has a place in her hearts. Right now, in this moment, she is uniquely yours, and you are uniquely hers.”

Yasmin ducked her head down and blushed slightly. Clara couldn’t help but smile.

“You know,” Yasmin began, “I thought you were a bit of cow when I first met you.”

Clara laughed at that, cheeks turning red.

“You’re not. You’re lovely. And it’s Yaz, to my friends anyway.”

Clara looked at Yasmin or, rather, _Yaz_.

“Thank you. For the record, I don’t think you’re a cow either. The Doctor should be thanking her lucky stars that you decided to stick around.” Clara’s smile was warm, and Yaz had a similar expression on her face.

 

Clara and Yaz spent the next few hours in that room cleaning up. They folded old clothing and Yaz asked questions about this bauble or that trinket. Yaz had gotten a plethora of new clothes, including another leather jacket to add to her collection. A couple hours in and it was clean, properly this time. Everything was put back in its place, even the bed was made.

Yaz was moving some of the furniture around when she suddenly dipped down to grab something.

“Clara, is this yours?”

Clara’s mouth dropped open, eyes lighting up. In Yaz’s hands was _101 Places to See_.

Clara snatched it up flipping it open to her first page and laughing.

“It’s- Well, Yeah, it is. I’ve been looking for it all this time.” She ran her fingers across the leaf inside in disbelief.

“Why’s it so special?” Yaz said softly, looking at it from behind Clara’s shoulder.

“I’ve had it since I was little, see?” Clara pointed to the list of ages sprawled across the page.

“Been a while since you’ve lost it then. Last age there is twenty six.”

Clara laughed even harder, despite some pain in her heart.

“I suppose I could cross that out and put one hundred and eighty if I so pleased.”

“A hundred and eighty?” Yaz yelped, looking at Clara incredulously.

“Oh, did I not tell you? The Doctor, he pulled me out of my time stream in between one heartbeat and the next. I can’t age, can’t die, not really. Honestly I shouldn’t even exist.” Clara said sheepishly.

Yaz opened her mouth to speak, but bit her lip.

“You can say it, Yaz.”

“Why leave the Doctor? You obviously care for her, and you’re both at least a little immortal. You’re perfect for each other.” Yaz looked away from Clara, slightly nervous.

“We kept trying to save each other. Couldn’t let go. There was this prophecy, and really it was all rubbish, but we decided we couldn’t be together or we would rip apart the universe trying to stay together. He wasn’t like her. I wasn’t like me. One of us had to forget the other. And the Doctor was the one that forgot.”

“Well she remembers now.” Yaz offered.

Clara pondered what this meant for a moment.

“Yeah, she does.”

“You’ve been avoiding her.”

Clara’s eyes snapped to Yaz’s. They were in quite close proximity to one another now.

“I- Yeah. I have.”

“Why?”

Clara sighed.

“She was different then. The way Graham and Ryan describe her reminds me of the first face I traveled with. Funny, bubbly, a little rough around the edges, clueless, but kind. When he changed…” Clara trailed off, not exactly knowing what to say.

“It was a combination of things really, but every day felt like proving myself. I never felt good enough. All I wanted was to be the perfect companion, to be like him. But being like him didn’t make him happy, and being human didn’t make him happy either. Every time I would meet someone from his past it was like I had to prove I was worthy of being around him. It was a constant battle.”

Yaz looked puzzled.

“That doesn’t sound like the Doctor at all. She cares for us, all of us. Tells us all the time how thankful she is to have us around. I’m sure if you talked to her she could explain.” Yaz reasoned.

“I don’t think she knows she did anything wrong. I don’t know if she _did_ do anything wrong.” Clara responded frankly.

She moved to sit on her freshly made bed.

“You can’t avoid her forever, Clara, regardless of what happened.” Yaz sat down beside her.

“I know. I know my worth now, more than I ever have. I think maybe he just didn’t know I cared or that it wore on me.”

Suddenly, she felt two arms being wrapped around her. Tears pricked at her eyes and she smiled. Slowly, she moved her arms to rest on Yaz’s back.

The Doctor knew how to pick her companions. That was for sure.

 

It was a shame really.

It had been such a lovely day. Sunny, warm but not too hot. They spent all day in the butterfly gardens.

It had started that morning. They all got together for breakfast, the Doctor included. With Yaz’s words ringing in her head, Clara sat down at the Tardis’s kitchen table to all smiles.

At Ryan’s insistence they decided to take a trip to the local butterfly sanctuary. The Doctor had scrunched her nose up at that.

“What’s wrong Doc?” Graham questioned, smiling.

“Butterflies.”

“What about them?” Ryan probed.

“I know they’re supposed to be pretty but they’re like spiders with wings. Bugs. Don’t like ‘em.”

“Are you scared of butterflies?” Yaz asked, beginnings of a grin on her face.

Clara swallowed a laugh, ducking her head.

The Doctor blushed and looked down at her waffles.

This set her off laughing in earnest.

“Don’t say a word about what? Clara?” Yaz turned to Clara, tugging slightly on her arm.

“1999, Japan.” Clara began cryptically.

“Don’t! You swore!” The Doctor yelped, grinning at the first pleasant conversation her and Clara were having in days.

Clara looked from Yaz, to the Doctor, and back to Yaz.

Really, she thought looking at the human, how could she deny her when she was making a face like that?

“A butterfly landed on the Doctor’s shoulder and so he screamed and dropped a priceless Edo period vase!” Clara rushed through the words as fast as she could before she started laughing again, this time with the rest of the table. The Doctor wasn’t as pleased.

“Okay, okay, maybe that’s true. But Clara! Yeah, Clara- One time, right, one of her humans saw a big alien robot, smack in the middle of a school, saw it get sent back in time by yours truly, and tried to pretend it was all a play! Like a school theatre act!”

Clara tried to ignore the slices of pain surging through her heart. _One of her humans_. She should have expected the Doctor had already forgotten the name of Danny Pink.

_Oh, Danny Pink._

She couldn’t dwell on it right now. Not in front of a table full of smiling people.

“You were dressed up as a janitor the whole time, can’t forget that bit of information.”

All the laughs were back full force.

“What’s with you and janitorial duty Doctor?”

“Yeah, that’s how it was in Kerblam before you lobbed the job onto me!”

“Perhaps she just has the look.” Yaz smiled slyly.

“Alright, very funny, now are we going to see the butterflies or not?” The Doctor had said, sitting up from her place at the table.

And they had all filled out of the Tardis. They had a lovely day. Ate dinner at one of the most amazing restaurants in town.

So it was a shame that the Doctor and Clara were having this conversation this night of all nights.

She had caught her in the library mid reading session. The Doctor locked the door with her sonic.

“We need to talk.” The Doctor’s face filled Clara’s vision.

Clara lifted her head from her book with a sigh, placing a bookmark between the pages.

“Do we?” Clara felt tired of all things. She had expected to feel sad, anxious, or even angry. What she didn’t expect was the weariness that seeped into her skin, pressing its way into her bones.

The Doctor all but fell into the place beside her on the sofa.

“Today was the first time you’ve talked to me since the café. I want to know why.” The Doctor demanded.

“Doctor…” She trailed off. Clara realized that maybe she did need to explain.

“Traveling with you was amazing. It was more than amazing but…”

Clara really didn’t want to do this. She felt like whatever she said wouldn’t be good enough. She took another breath just to feel her lungs expand.

“But?” The Doctor urged.

“Being on my own for so long, I’m not the same Clara anymore, and you...” Clara trailed off again. “You’re not the same Doctor.”

The Doctor’s face fell. Her hand grabbed Clara’s, bringing it to her face.

“I’m still the same man, Clara.” She murmured, eye’s boring holes into Clara’s.

Clara ran her thumb absentmindedly across the Doctor’s cheekbone. Evidently this regeneration was less touch adverse. They stayed that way for a bit, just looking at each other, before Clara closed her eyes tightly and shook her head trying to clear it.

“That’s not it, that’s not what I’m trying to say.” Clara pulled her hand away with a sort of frantic energy. She needed the Doctor to understand.

“I know you’re not different. I’m just trying to say I’ve got my own demons. I did then, but it’s different now.”

The Doctor gave her a look. Clara knew that look. It was the look that eyebrows gave her all the time.

She wouldn’t stand for that look.

“Doctor I’m not just a reminder of your mistakes. I can’t be, not anymore. I have my own guilt to deal with, I don’t need to be the catalyst for you to remember yours.” Clara nearly spat this.

The Doctor looked taken aback.

“Never said you were.” The Doctor mumbled, tearing her eyes away from Clara’s.

She barked out a laugh.

“You don’t have to. I can tell. The looks you gave me, all the countless insults, you couldn’t even remember Danny’s name!” Now Clara was getting properly angry.

“I’m not going to go back to being kept around as penance, as a culmination of everything you’ve got wrong! I’m not going to go back to be treated like a mistake and a child! Not after one hundred and fifty years of a life where I have lost so many and so much and certainly not after Ashildr!”

Clara was clutching the couch cushions, tears fresh in her eyes. The room was eerie still, and Clara soon realized it was because the Doctor was the only one breathing. The Doctor had finally figured it out. Clara could see it on her face.

“Clara, how long has it been since Ashildr?” The Doctor asked softly.

_One month, fifteen days._

“I don’t need to answer that.” Clara fumed. She stood up, arms wrapped around herself. Tears were running down her cheeks despite Clara’s desperate attempts to stop them.

She took hold of the library door and pushed. It didn’t budge.

“Let me out.” Clara growled just loud enough that the Doctor could hear.

“Clara, please.” The Doctor pleaded.

“Let me _out!_ ” Clara shouted, voice horse. She slammed both hands on the door and it flung open, causing her to trip forward. She quickly caught herself on the door frame, walking from the room in long strides, leaving behind a devastated Doctor in her wake.

 


	2. Requests

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clara remembers how Ashildr faced her raven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :(

Ashildr had broken the news of her decision over breakfast.

Their kitchen was the one part of the diner they had decided to keep. The griddle was too much fun to get rid of. Clara had perfected all the diner classics over the years. Sadly, not even Julia Child could help her make a soufflé, not for lack of trying.

Clara was beating together pancakes. Ashildr was sitting at the bar, nursing a cup of black coffee. There was as silence settled over them.

Clara knew something was wrong. They had been together over a hundred years, and over those years they had gotten very used to the comfortable silence of just being around one another. They spent hours just quietly enjoying each others company, especially in the mornings.

But this morning was _wrong._ She could taste it in the air.

So she tried to get rid of it by filling the air with chatter instead.

“You know, I’d quite like a beach day. I know we’ve just had one but I’m still missing the feel of the ocean.” Clara chirped as she worked at her pancake batter.

“Clara I think I’m ready to die.” Ashildr said this as casually as one would say they were going out to get groceries, or that the weather was a little nippy.

Clara froze. She slowly put down her bowl and spoon to sit across from Ashildr.

She took hold of one of Ashildr’s hands, still slightly warm from the coffee it was just holding.

“What?” She hated how breathless she sounded.

A side effect of Ashildr’s age was that she didn’t express much. She could laugh and cry of course, but those occurrences were rare. She usually held a calm expression on her face. She tried to lean into her emotions as much as she could, trying to find the energy to express in some way.

It was near impossible to find Ashildr actively trying to hide expressions, but Clara could tell this was exactly what she was trying to do.

It was all in the eyes.

“Clara,” Ashildr began softly, “These years with you have been without a doubt the best I’ve ever had.

Ashildr’s voice began to shake slightly.

“I’m old. Older than some planets. I’ve seen so much, I’ve _lived_ so much. _I’m tired._ ”

Clara’s eyes searched desperately for any sign that this wasn’t true, that it was a trick, or a lie, or some kind of cruel joke. What she found was just the opposite. Looking at Ashildr, her face, her eyes, she could tell. She could see the exhaustion in every plane of her face.

“Clara?” Ashildr raised her eyebrows and crafted a smile trying to snap Clara out of her reverie.

“Why now? Why tell me?” Clara’s voice was packed with emotion.

“I wanted to ask your permission.” Ashildr’s half smile fell away.

“My permission?” Clara breathed. Tears were gathering in her eyes.

“Ashildr, I…”

_I need you?_

_I couldn’t go on without you?_

“I can’t make you say. I only want you to be happy.” Tears were falling unhindered by pride from Clara’s face.

“What do you need?”

Ashildr looked taken aback for a moment.

“I don’t _need_ anything, Clara,” She almost looked concerned, but couldn’t help smiling as she continued.

 “But there are things that I want.”

 

The first request was a real Vikings wedding.

She and Clara had first gotten married by sheer coincidence on Mars. Then they were forced into a marriage on a planet in the Athenian galaxy. As the marriages piled up, it soon became a game to try and get married on each planet they visited.

Clara had finally gotten Ashildr to get married on Earth in the year 3000. Clara had poured over it for weeks in her spare time, planning dresses, food, décor, and many, _many_ guests.

It had ended with Ashildr and Clara sneaking out of the venue to grab take out in the local Chinatown district.

It was surprisingly easy to find a Viking village willing to officiate the ceremony, but Clara assumed that was because of the small fortune they were offering to pay for it.

Clara and Ashildr married in spring, two miles from Ashildr’s home town.

It was one of the only times Clara had ever seen Ashildr cry.

 

Her second request was more a bunch of small requests put together. Ashildr made a list of planets to revisit, and they slowly made their way through the list.

Planets with no gravity, massive five hundred part orchestras, famous ice cream shops in eight different galaxies and many more.

The final planet was one not unlike earth. Ashildr had gotten them a cabin there, amongst one of the many forests. It was just becoming fall, but it was still warm enough to go swimming.

They stayed there for a week.

On their final day, Ashildr made her third request.

Eggs and hash browns in bed.

Her fourth came soon after. Flower picking in a field towards the east.

Her fifth, a picnic in the flowers for dinner. They laughed together drinking champagne and eating foods from all over the universe as the sun set. All three of the planet’s moons were full when they came up from behind the forest’s trees.

That was how Clara knew it was time.

They gathered up their things and lied down on the blanket together. Clara couldn’t help but cry as she listened to Ashildr’s final heartbeats.

Clara set off to work braiding Ashildr’s hair with shaking fingers, weaving flowers into the strands. It felt surreal, preparing someone to die in such a peaceful way.

Ashildr’s sixth request was for her body to stay in place. She wanted to die and stay amongst the flowers.

Her seventh was for Clara to leave her by daybreak.

Her eighth was a kiss.

The rest of her requests would take place after she was gone. Clara thought about these requests as the sun came up. They swam through her brain, screaming with every step she took as she made the way back to her Tardis.

Request number nine. She had to be kind.

 _“I love you.”_ _Clara gasped through sobs, desperately trying to keep herself together._

Number ten, she had to move on.

_“I love you too, Clara. Always.”_

Eleven, she had to find the Doctor.

_Clara’s hand hovered above the patch keeping Ashildr alive._

Twelve, she couldn’t stop running.

_“I’m ready, love.” Clara wasn’t breathing._

Thirteen, she couldn’t stop loving.

_Ashildr’s hand went limp in hers._

 

Clara’s hand hovered over her chest. Her breaths came as slow as she could make them.

_In, out, in, out._

Her brain was playing catchup with all of her nightmares as she flew through the corridors of the Tardis. She couldn’t go back to the library, so she just had to find-

Her room.

It was odd that a place so often sampled in her night terrors could become her safe haven, but here she was, amongst the kitschy posters from a sampling of different tourist planets, taking shelter from the Oncoming Storm.

She sat down on her bed, nearly crushing _101 Places to See_ in the process. She used the book as a replacement of her hands, holding it over her chest with tight arms, feeling it shift as she inhaled and exhaled.

_In, out, in, out._

Looking around, the room was near immaculate. She wanted to destroy it all over again. She wanted to tear up every page out of every book in her massive bookshelf. She wanted to smash all the little figures that had survived her first teardown all those years ago.

She opened the book at her chest to the first page, running down the list of ages.

Tears swam in her vision and she let them fall.

She wanted Ashildr by her side, holding her hand, just like the first time she tore apart her room.

Just like how it was in the flower field.

Clara wasn’t breathing.

Taking in a deep breath, she _roared,_ throwing the book across the room in rage as her body was wracked with sobs.

As her cries turned into sniffles and whimpers, the lights in her room slowly dimmed away to a mild glow. For the first time in months, she found herself thoroughly exhausted.

Clara settled into a bed she hadn’t slept in for one hundred and fifty years, closed her eyes, and fell into nothingness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is short i just dont want u guys to think im ditching this fic i just have college. i wish i didn't but i do and its pain!


	3. The Morning After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clara wakes up the morning after.

Clara rolled over onto her side. All of the lights in her room had turned on all at once. Birds sang from the corners of the ceiling and classical music flooded her ears.

“Oh, shut up.” She whined at the ceiling, causing the assault to cease. At least the ship had warmed enough to remember her wake up routine from a century ago.

The lights dimmed to a more manageable glow, still just there enough to be noticed. Clara marveled at how long she had slept. Even more, she marveled at how tired she still managed to be.

Clara had lived many years and many nights, and this was one of the worst hangovers she had ever had.

_Four more weeks…_

Clara couldn’t stay for two more weeks. She _refused_ to stay in the same space as the Doctor, no matter how infinite that space may be.

Clara noticed a soft knocking coming from outside her door. She groaned, sinking into her bed. She didn’t want to deal with sentient beings right now, human or time lord.

Another knock, this time with more force.

Clara tried begging the Tardis to make them go away with her thoughts, briefly entertaining the idea that the Tardis would listen to her.

A voice wafted through the air.

 “Clara, are you in there? You weren’t in the kitchen or the library this morning. I’ve-“

The doors to Clara’s bedroom opened and as soon as Graham stumbled in, the doors shut once again, locking him inside.

He was carrying a full English breakfast, complete with a cup of tea. Clara realized just how hungry she was before she had time to think about the implications of being locked inside a room with someone who was a stranger not one week ago.

“You look…” Graham paused, trying to think of something that wasn’t overtly rude, eyes shifting from Clara to the now locked door, “Rested!”

Clara put on a face.

“I don’t usually do this,” Clara gestured to herself, “I’m a bit out of practice.”

“What, d’you mean, sleep?” Graham looked puzzled.

Clara sighed.

“Alright, sorry for askin’.” Graham raised his shoulders and set Clara’s breakfast on the bedside table beside her as a sign of surrender.

“No, it’s okay, I just get that question a lot.” Clara’s voice was weighed down by sleep as she reached for a slice of toast.

“When I died, or, when the Doctor pulled me out of my death,” She began around her toast.

 “I became frozen in time. I don’t age, I don’t sleep…” She finished up her slice and reached for her cup of tea and brought it to her lips.

“I don’t even have to breathe.” She said into her cup.

Graham looked stunned at this.

“Yaz wasn’t kidding when she said you were old.”

There was a pause.

“Clara, are you and the Doctor okay?”

Clara lied with a smile she hoped was convincing.

“Yeah, of course we’re okay, why?”

“Well, she didn’t show up for breakfast either. And you look like you’ve been crying all night.”

Clara smoothed down her hair and wiped at her eyes self-consciously.

“Ryan, Yaz and I, we could use a day in, go swimming and read books and all that. If you two need some time alone…”

Clara did _not_ want to be alone with the Doctor. She didn’t want to be anywhere near the Doctor right now. Ironically a far cry from how she was when the Doctor first left.

“No, no, we’ll be fine.” Clara lied hurriedly. She continued by telling the truth, mumbling, “The Doctor doesn’t like to talk anyway.”

For a moment, Graham just stared at Clara. It was a look of wonder, pity, even fear. Clara hated that look. She hated that most people couldn’t help but give it to her.

She couldn’t pretend to be human anymore.

“Just let me get dressed. I’ll be out in a tic, Graham.” Clara broke the spell of silence.

 

She was wearing her old clothes.

Well, not _old_ , not really. They looked exactly the same, _felt_ exactly the same. She was strangely comforted by the feeling of wearing something old. Something from before she was a spectacle.

She had ended up leaving all of her clothes behind when she left the Tardis that final night. She thought it would end up being too painful.

Rubbish. It was painful regardless, and she had missed the purple suit she was currently wearing.

“Let us go! You’re violating at least ten Shadow Proclamation conventions.”

Oh. Right. Getting kicked out.

Clara nearly fell to the floor as one of the security officers released her.

They had been watching a football match, Ryan’s idea, although Graham and Yaz also seemed particularly excited about catching a game. The Doctor’s psychic paper had gotten them in easily-

“Leave. Now.”

-It had also gotten them kicked out. Turns out the Prime Minister of Australia was at the game and knew nothing about an invitation for “The Doctor and her fam.”

“But-“

“You’re lucky the cops aren’t here.” Another officer appeared with a slightly sloshed Ryan and Graham in tow, and a _very_ sloshed Yaz in tow.

This sent the boys into a fit of laughter, causing Yaz to grin and blush.

The officers retreated into the stadium.

“Sorry about that.” The Doctor said, hand rubbing the back of her neck.

“Aw, Doctor it’s okay. The game was rubbish anyway, right Graham?” Ryan said softly and smiled. Graham nodded, his arm around a half limp Yaz.

“I’m starved.” Clara mentioned before silence could creep up on them.

“There’s a great Chinese place real close, we could get take out.” Graham perked up and offered.

This jolted Yaz out of her haze for a moment.

“Yes please!”

 

Getting the Chinese food had been an affair. Gradually Yaz had moved to hang off of the Doctor’s arm as Clara stood close by, making sure she didn’t fall. As for the food itself, they quickly got lost off of Graham’s terrible sense of direction.

When they finally did find the place, the Doctor insisted on fixing one of the ovens that had stopped working behind the counter.

To no one’s surprise, she did this in about the time it took to fill everyone’s order. The owner was so pleased that she gave everyone their meals for free. She also crushed the Doctor in a hug.

By the time they had left for the Tardis with their food the sun had completely set. This time Yaz was hanging off of Clara’s arm.

It was odd, but not unpleasant. The weight grounded her and Yaz purred when she began to draw Celtic symbols across her hand.

Yaz was something she would have to figure out. She had feelings the Doctor that was for sure. Clara didn’t want to crush that for her. It wasn’t like the Doctor didn’t feel the same way. Clara knew the Doctor could more than handle loving both of them, and Clara had grown out of being the jealous type.

Had she?

She looked down at Yaz, face half pressed into her shoulder.

Suddenly, she didn’t care.

 

That began to change when she sat Yaz down on the sofa in the library, handing her the food she ordered. The rest of the team was in the console room, but Clara felt it was better to have Yaz sit somewhere she couldn’t trip over the messes in the console room.

They didn’t eat in silence. Clara spoke about her many adventures and Yaz just listened, asking questions here and there.

“Hey Clara, you knew the Doctor when she was a he right?” Yaz questioned, eyes slightly alight with mischief.

“Yeah.” Clara replied, smiling slightly. She knew where this was going.

“Was he hot?”

Clara gave Yaz a look that sent her stammering.

“I mean, you know, you don’t have to answer or-“

Clara burst out laughing, much to Yaz’s relief.

“The first one was young. He was like yours. Bouncy, fun. I did kiss him once-“

Yaz’s eyebrows shot up and she leaned forward to hear more.

“But it was complicated. _I_ didn’t really kiss him, and echo of my consciousness did, and he just sort of flailed.” Clara grimaced at the memory.

Yaz giggled, and Clara couldn’t deny that it charmed her pants off.

“What about the other one?”

Clara swallowed down another mouthful of her food.

“Well, he was sort of stern. Wasn’t very affectionate physically. He tended to insult me when he was trying to give complements, the git.” Clara grumbled.

“That doesn’t sound all that sexy.” Yaz murmured, earning a slap on the arm by Clara.

“He was so possessive though! Always breathing down my neck about who I was with.” She skipped over talking about Danny. She couldn’t think about him right now.

“But he never made a move?”

Clara laughed ruefully. “Never.”

“Neither did she.” Yaz slurred under her breath, Clara just barely picking up on it.

“Tell you what,” Yaz put her food to the side, bringing her full attention to Clara.

“Why don’t we make her jealous?” Yaz’s eyes were locked with Clara’s her lips turned up into a sly grin.

This time it was Clara’s turn to stammer.

“You- I- What? She’s not-“

Clara was cut off by the feeling of Yaz’s lips on hers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this is like so many weeks late. I always told myself I would never be one of those authors that left ppl hanging but uhhhh its chimsm. marry chimish. this fics resolution is going to be focused on the doctor/clara BUT im not making yaz have and unrequited crush! they all love eachother its just not abt her right now. I might make this into a series and write some ot3 if yall want but for now have this


	4. Tomorrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor asks her to stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh god its finally over

Clara had two options.

She could either reciprocate, and things could get really complicated, or she could push Yaz off, and things could get really complicated.

Clara’s last couple of days had been a whirlwind of emotion. From the meeting, to the Tardis, to the fight she had with the Doctor last night.

She wasn’t the Doctor. That, she was sure of. No matter how much the Doctor saw of herself in Clara, no matter how much shame that gave her, Clara was not the Doctor.

For a brief, selfish moment, she imagined it was Ashildr’s lips on hers.

She quickly banished that line of thinking.

Finally, a piece of her she had almost forgot existed spoke up. The Clara before the Doctor, the one that existed when she was just a nanny, the headstrong, light and airy Clara that seemed so far away came to the forefront of her mind.

It was that part of Clara that decided to kiss back, no matter what the cost.

Yaz was the one that broke the kiss, needing to come up for air. Clara took some breaths too, just to steady herself.

“Well!” Clara said breathlessly. There was a pause then, neither of them knowing what to say.

“I- That- Was that okay?” Yaz was in obvious shock.

Clara smiled, the beginnings of laughter tinging her voice.

“Of course it was!”

“Okay, good.” A small smile formed on Yaz’s face.

Another pause.

“Yaz, are you sure about all this?”

Yaz’s smile fell.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m one hundred and fifty years old. I’m ageless. I’m not even really human.”

Yaz broke out into another smile.

“You sound just like the Doctor.”

Clara’s throat tightened up.

All at once she felt the weight of the Doctors judgement once again, and double the weight of his pity.

Yasmin Khan would wither and die. And it would happen so fast.

She would have to watch her grow old. She would have to watch her waste away, or worse, watch her die young.

Clara launched herself into Yaz, wrapping her into a hug and trying to remember to breathe.

Yaz froze in shock for a moment, before leaning into the embrace.

 

They spend the rest of the night in the library. Clara read Yaz to sleep in a moment so peaceful she almost fell asleep herself.

Clara had spent nearly two hours stroking Yaz’s hair and reading before the Doctor walked in. She didn’t notice them both at first, humming some song Clara vaguely recognized as she perused the shelves.

Clara tensed, making Yaz stir in her lap. She quickly resumed her calming touches and took a couple breaths. What she and Yaz were doing was nothing Clara and the Doctor hadn’t done before, as much as eyebrows hated to admit it.

It felt like ages had passed before the Doctor finally rounded the corner to the sitting area, eyes widening as she caught sight of Clara and her, for lack of a better term, _companion._

Before the Doctor had a chance to begin blabbering, Clara sent her a look, gesturing to Yaz in her lap.

They just stared at each other for a moment before the Doctors gaze hardened. In an act of defiance, she slowly and pointedly sat down on a chair just adjacent to Clara, and turned her attention to her book.

This was not something Clara had expected.

Her old Doctor would have run away, mumbling something and giving Clara fearful and dirty looks, but this Doctor seemed content in what was beginning to become quite the awkward situation.

After half an hour passed, Clara began to get really nervous.

‘She really isn’t going to leave?’

By hour one, she had a list of clear options.

One, she could wait out the Doctor, which would probably end in Yaz eventually waking up in the middle of a weird row between immortals.

Two, she could tell the Doctor to bugger off, which would be completely embarrassing and might wake Yaz up.

Or finally, three, she could disentangle herself from Yaz and they could _talk._

She wasn’t even pretending to read anymore, eyes glassy and unfocused, staring at Yaz’s hair between her fingers.

Fine. She would talk. But for no other reason than to spare Yaz the trouble.

Slowly, Clara scooted away from Yaz, lifting her onto the couch and untangling Yaz’s limbs from hers. After some fumbling, she managed to stretch her legs, making her way over to the Doctor’s chair to stand in front of her.

Slowly, the Doctor tilted her head up to give Clara a smile that said ‘See, wasn’t that easy?’

It took Clara everything she had not to scream.

The Doctor took her time, standing up slowly and languidly making her way out of the library, leading Clara to the kitchen.

The Doctor’s movements seemed so calculated. As she moved to put her kettle on she did it without all the usual energy and fumbling Clara had come to expect from this Doctor.

“Clara.” The Doctor breathed with an abstract calm placing two mugs on the table and making Clara jump in her seat.

The Doctor grabbed Clara’s hand, tracing gentle patterns in her skin.

“You can’t do this to Yaz. I won’t allow it.”

Clara’s mouth went dry. She yanked her hand away from the Doctors.

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“She’s human, Clara.” The Doctor pleaded. “You need to let her have her own life.”

“She very well does, Doctor! It’s not like that anyway!”

“It doesn’t matter.”

There was a pregnant pause.

“You’ve never been through it, Clara. Ashildr-“

The Doctor paused, seeing Clara flinch, but promptly continued.

“Ashildr never aged. She was always young. Yaz isn’t like that.” The Doctor’s voice was painfully soft, as if she was explaining a tragedy to a child.

“I don’t care!”

“But she will!”

Clara was shocked into silence.

“It hurts to age. Can you imagine what it’s like to be reminded of your own age every day? What it’s like to have people think you’re out with a son or granddaughter when it’s really someone you-“ The Doctor stopped herself, quickly scrambling to continue. “Someone you care for?”

Clara stared into her mug of tea, trying to ground herself by holding onto it.

The last month had been miserable for Clara. Every adventure was tinged with anger or hurt. She was constantly unhappy. The few weeks on the Doctor’s Tardis, though, had been full of life. Spending time with Graham, Ryan, and Yaz had made her feel so happy. Like she was worthy of life. Like she had the strength to go on.

Clara took a deep breath and grounded herself. She looked up to hold the Doctor’s gaze.

“How can you ask me to do this alone when you have three people living in your Tardis right now?”

“Clara.” The Doctor took back her hand, reaching across the table for it. “I’m not asking for you to do it alone.”

Clara’s mouth fell open slightly, brows furrowing.

“You can stay with me, and we can travel together. If you like.”

Clara took some more breaths. Her whole body screamed at her to just _say yes_. Not because of the stars or the history, not like the first time. This was so much more. The promise of never being alone again, of always having someone there. This was why Ashildr wanted her to find the Doctor.

Once again, her hand retreated from the Doctor’s.

“Ask me again tomorrow.”

 

Clara spent her tomorrow outside of the Tardis, wandering Sheffield. She spent hours thinking over what she should do. Anxiety about infinity and potential hybrids swirled in her mind, but if the hybrid existed it was inevitable, and Clara was no stranger to infinity.

By the time she had gotten back to the Tardis, the sun had set, and Clara was calm. Surprisingly calm. She assumed she would be buzzing with anxiety or sadness or _anything_ really, but she just w _asn’t_.

The Doctor was another story. Clara found her amongst the wires below the console, hair jutting in all directions.

“Doctor?”

“Ah!” The Doctor jumped, causing a smattering of sparks to fly out of the Tardis.

“Clara! Yes!” The Doctor exclaimed, realizing she wasn’t in danger. She grabbed Clara by the shoulders, looking her straight in the eyes.

“So, yes, Clara, have you decided yet?” Looking down at herself, she removed her hands from Clara’s shoulders to smooth down her shirt, frantically combing her fingers through her hair as well.

“Yeah, I have, but there’s conditions-“ Clara began calmly, but was quickly cut off.

“Conditions! Conditions are great, love a condition. What are they?” The Doctor rambled off.

“How about you and me sit down somewhere?”

The Doctor dutifully pulled out two stool and gestured for Clara to sit down.

“If I come with you,” The Doctor’s face lit up. Clara continued, “You have to know a few things. I’m my own person. I’m not-“

“I know.” Clara looked up. The Doctor looked a lot more somber, even anxious, playing with her fingernails.

“I should never- Clara you’re brilliant, you’re amazing. You’re so brave and so kind. You are not my mistake.”

Clara smiled, feeling herself tear up slightly.

“I’m sorry for everything that I said. I’m sorry that I was so mean before.” She looked down at her lap again.

“And I’m sorry too.” The Doctor shot Clara an incredulous look and she continued. “For all this. Avoiding you, running away, I’m sorry.”

“That’s okay Clara.” The Doctor said softly.

Clara made a grab for the Doctor’s hands, holding them both in hers.

“One final condition.” Clara’s anxiety was fluttering in her chest now.

“Anything.” The sincerity in the Doctor’s face was palpable.

Clara paused for a moment. She prayed that the Doctor truly meant anything.

“I’m over a hundred years old, and you’re over a thousand. If I’m going to be on this ship with you every day than…” Clara trailed off. God, how could she put this?

Well. She could just-

“I love you. I’ve loved you for a long time now. And if we travel together I don’t want to dance around that like a school kid.”

There was a moment where the Doctor just stared at Clara, eyes scouring her face.

And then she kissed her.

Clara registered the Doctor’s lips on hers and vaguely, the feeling of a hand on the back of her neck. She leaned in, wrapping her arms around the Doctor. The kiss was long due to them both not needing to breathe, and slightly cold due to the Doctor’s jarring body temperature, but it was quite nice. Clara only pulled away when she felt her cheeks getting wet.

“Doctor?” Clara asked, bringing her hand up to wipe at the tears falling from the Doctors eyes. The Doctor fell forwards, burying her face into Clara’s neck.

“I missed you. ‘M happy you’re back.” The Doctor’s voice was muffled.

Clara enveloped her in a tight hug.

“I missed you too, Doctor.”

For once, she didn’t feel like she was hiding her face.

She leaned into the Doctor, and took a deep breath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyyy its over and done with thank god!! idk if im happy with this ending or this fic tbqh but im just ready to get back to doing some cute one shots k thx

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, this fic was supposed to be a one shot but it ended up being hella long sooooooo now its probably gonna be a two chapter fic. I dont know what the second chapter is going to be like but I have a feeling it might be shorter than this one. I'm gonna focus on Clara/Thirteen for this fic but like.... the dr has two hands so maybe some Thasmin or some Yaz/Clara because theyre soft!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway Reviews ARE appreciated and so is critique cause i need to find out where we going from here! Thanks! Oh also yeah I gave Clara a phone box because how the HELL is she supposed to land a diner on a space ship. Half of the damn adventures the doctor goes on would NOT have been possible had he been in a fucking MASSIVE AMERICAN DINER and I KNOW it's adorable to have them travel in a diner and have clara's costume be a waitress but like... lemme live.


End file.
